Are you ready to hear about the next big diet fad that no one is talking about? Are you ready to exchange a balanced diet for questionable dietary restrictions just to obtain your weight loss goals? Then look no further than April’s Diet of the Month! That’s right folks, today we are talking about the Taquitogenic Diet and all it has to offer! So if you’re curious about taquitosis and what it can do for you, just keep reading!

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What is the Taquitogenic Diet?

The Taquitogenic Diet is the latest and therefore most important innovation to hit the diet industry since the cabbage soup diet. That’s right folks! Never before has there been a diet plan that’s guaranteed to impact your health and wellness for years to come. Trust me, after following the Taquitogenic Diet for a few weeks, you’ll feel like a different person!

So what exactly is the Taquitogenic Diet? Though seemingly incoherent on the surface–yes, even confusing to the average person with common sense–the secret of the Taquitogenic Diet’s transformative power lies in its sheer simplicity and spurious scientific claims. I shall, however, endeavor to explain its key elements so that you, too, may begin to reap the benefits of the Taquitogenic Diet.

The Taquitogenic Diet is a way of eating based solely upon the consumption of taquitos. That is to say, you eat taquitos and only taquitos. This is essential for reaching a state of taquitosis–the pinnacle of human existence and function.

While some may argue that taquitosis is a sort of survival failsafe mechanism developed over thousands of years in the off-chance that there would one day be nothing to eat but taquitos, this is absurd. In reality, taquitosis is in fact the optimal metabolic state of the human body, creating a cascade of physiological adaptations that inevitably results in weight loss and changes to your health status.

So now that you’ve been handily convinced by the obligatory scientific rationale, let’s move on to the exciting part–the benefits!

Benefits of the Taquitogenic Diet

Just what are the benefits of a Taquitogenic Diet, you ask? Sure, you could focus on the inevitable weight loss that results from only eating taquitos day in and day out for weeks on end, but the Taquitogenic Diet offers so much more! Just check out these other great perks of eating taquito!

• Simplified grocery shopping
• Stream-lined meal planning and preparation
• Unique recipes (stun your friends and family!)
• Everyday is Taquito Tuesday
• You’ll never have to buy kale again
• Your kids will think this is the best fad diet EVER
• Ease of involuntary social distancing from friends and family

Your Taquito-friendly Shopping List

Grocery shopping for most diets is both expensive and onerous. Plus, who knows whom you’ll bump into in the grocery aisles! Nothing’s quite as embarrassing as being spotted with a cart full of fresh meat, whole grains, and leafy greens–am I right? With the Taquitogenic Diet, no one would even think to guess that you’re on a health kick–it’ll be our little taquito secret!

Ready to shop? Here’s a quick list of the taquito-friendly foods you’ll need.

• Chicken Taquitos
• Chicken & Cheese Taquitos
• Beef & Cheese Taquitos
• Steak & Cheese Taquitos
• Pork Taquitos
• Bean & Cheese Taquitos

Now I know what you’re thinking. There are just so many options to choose from! Remember that change doesn’t have to happen overnight. Start with ONE flavor variety and buy 10 or 12 boxes to last you for the week. When you’re ready to branch out and really get serious, here are a few more options to add to your taquitogenic shopping list:

• Extra-Crunchy Chicken Taquitos
• Extra-Crunchy Beef Taquitos
• Extra-Spicy Chicken Taquitos

What is not allowed on a Taquitogenic Diet?

Though many people are initially shocked and question the wisdom of restricting so many foods, just know that avoidance of these non-taquitogenic foods is essential for attaining taquitosis. So it’s okay.

Here are the foods that must be avoided to achieve taquitosis:

• Fruits
• Vegetables
• Dairy products
• Starches and grains
• Beans and legumes
• Meat, poultry, pork, fish, and seafood
• Butter, oils, fats, and nuts
• Anything else your mom said was good for you. She was wrong.

One question I often get from taquito-newbs is, What about tacos and burritos? Are these allowed on the Taquitogenic Diet? Unfortunately, tacos and burritos are NOT part of the Taquitogenic Diet. Adding either of these options to your diet would take your body out of taquitosis and ruin everything. You must only eat taquito-friendly foods.

The Taquitogenic Meal Plan

One of the fabulous benefits of the Taquitogenic Diet is the meal plan! You’ll be amazed at the variety of choices and how easy it is to throw these meals together. In fact, these dishes are so deceptively repetitive, you’ll feel like you’re just eating the same thing over and over again! Sound too good to be true? Check out this sample one-day menu!

Breakfast

• Bowl of Cheese Taquitos
• Hot cup of Extra-Crunchy Taquitos (optional)

~OR~

• Taquito Sunrise Smoothie (See my recipe below!)

Lunch

• Homemade Pizza (See my taquito-friendly recipe below!)

~ OR ~

• Chicken and Cheese Taquitos

Afternoon Snack

• Taquito Bomb (Recipe below!)

Dinner

• Taghetti with Taquito-friendly Meatballs (Recipe follows!)

~ OR ~

• Beef and Cheese Taquitos

Nutrient Analysis

So let’s crunch some numbers for our taquito-friendly sample menu! If you follow the plan and eat an entire box of taquitos, you’ll get in an average of 1540 calories, 70 g fat, 11 g saturated fat, 175 g carbohydrate, 7 g fiber, and 49 g protein. Looking next at our macronutrient breakdown, you’ll be getting in the perfect balance of macros with 41% of calories from fat, 45% from carbohydrate, and 13% from protein. It’s the ideal high-carb, high-fat lifestyle!

As you can see, despite all nutrition wisdom and recommendations, it truly is possible to lose weight on a Taquitogenic Diet! Sure, this plan racks up huge nutritional deficiencies, but…well…being in taquitosis is totally worth it!

Taquito-Friendly Recipes

One struggle many people face when starting a diet is having to give up the foods they love. Thankfully, the Taquitogenic Diet has you covered! With just a few clever substitutions, you can still enjoy your favorite foods–even pizza and pasta! From breakfast to dinner and everything in between, these delicious recipes will keep you satisfied and basking in a state of taquitosis.

Taquito Smoothie

I don’t know about you, but when I wake up in the morning, I like something refreshing and invigorating to start the day off right! If you’re like me, then you’re going to LOVE this Taquito Sunrise Smoothie! Made with all taquito-friendly ingredients, this special morning blend will super charge your day and empower your taquitogenic lifestyle. Even better? It’s a great use for those leftover taquitos from last night’s dinner!

The Taquito Sunrise Smoothie couldn’t be easier to make. Simply put 6 leftover chilled taquitos in your favorite blender, add water, and blend to a brown slurry! Breakfast is served–and the kids are gonna love it.

Taquito Bombs

Need a quick snack or an easy way to meet your taquito goals for the day? Taquito Bombs are the solution! Much like an energy ball, these little nuggets of bliss are made with all taquito-friendly ingredients and fit perfectly into your taquitosis lifestyle. Whether you’re looking to fuel up for your next workout or just keep up with the kids, these Taquito Bombs will help you blast through the day!

To make a small batch of Taquito Bombs, puree 6 cooked and chilled taquitos with 1-2 tablespoons of water until a thick paste forms. Scoop out walnut sized portions and begin to roll and shape into balls. To add a fantastic crunch, roll your taquito bombs in crispy taquito crumbs. They’re the perfect grab-and-go snack!

Taghetti with Taquito-friendly Meatballs

Spaghetti with meatballs is a weeknight classic, loved by all ages. But can it fit into the Taquitogenic Diet? Yes! With just a few sneaky tweaks, you can still serve up this family favorite without compromising your taquitosis lifestyle. Believe it or not, this dish is so delicious your kids won’t even know it’s not real pasta! They’ll be clamoring for more Taghetti and Taquito-friendly Meatballs!

So let’s dig into this recipe. To make the taqhetti, grab your hand-crank pasta maker and get ready for some fun! Begin by carefully unrolling a batch of microwaved and chilled taquitos. (If this seems absurdly difficult, do not be alarmed. This is normal.) Then scrape off the filling and set aside. Crank each taquito through your pasta maker on either the fettuccine or spaghetti setting. Chef’s choice!

Now let’s get on with our Taquito-friendly meatballs! If they look familiar, it’s because they’re really just the Taquito Bombs I made earlier. I just picked off the crunchy taquito bits and we’re good to go. Call it taquitogenic batch cooking.

Now that we’ve got our ingredients prepped, dinner’s practically served! Simply toss your delicious taghetti with the reserved filling, top with taquito-friendly meatballs, and enjoy! Your family will remember this meal for years to come. Their stunned silence just means they like it.

Friday Night Pizza (Taquito-friendly!)

Here at our house, pizza is a weekend tradition! While I normally would make a classic Italian crust with homemade sauce and fresh toppings, my homemade pie is hardly taquito. But not to worry! With a taquito-friendly crust and taquitogenic toppings, you can still enjoy a slice without compromising your goals. So gather your family round the table and dig into this mouth-watering pizza pie. It’s a recipe your whole crew is going to love!

Using a sharp paring knife, carefully insert the blade under the outer most layer of your cooked and chilled taquitos. Begin to slowly pry apart and unroll the taquito into a flat, circular shape. (Now if you happen to rip 10 or 20 taquitos into shreds trying to accomplish this, don’t sweat it. Consider it meal prep for tomorrow’s Sunrise Taquito Smoothie!) Once opened, smear the taquito filling around for your taquito-friendly pizza sauce.

Now that your taquito-friendly crusts are prepped and perfectly sauced, now comes the fun part–the toppings! Simply dice up your favorite taquito varieties and top up those little crusts for your own customized pizzas. The combinations are endless so feel free to get creative! Bake at 400 degrees for 3-5 minutes and enjoy!

How will I know if I’m in taquitosis?

When getting started on their taquitogenic journey, many people wonder, Am I really in taquitosis? How can I know for sure? Signs and symptoms will vary from person to person, but here you will find a list of the most common side effects of taquitosis.

• An epic case of the tell-tale taquito breath
• Increased urinary taquitones
• Appetite suppression
• Weight loss
• Greasy fingers
• Extensive nutrient deficiencies
• Decreases in performance of any kind
• Taquito-induced night terrors
• Digestive…issues
• Heartburn and taquito burps
• Involuntary social distancing

Final Thoughts

The Taquitogenic Diet isn’t right for everyone, but it’s still the best option we’ve got. If history and human behavior have shown us anything, it’s that the best way to lose weight is to eat nothing but miniature tacos. By embracing the taquitosis lifestyle, you too can change the course of your future and achieve your wildest dreams (just hopefully not those taquito-induced night terrors). As always, thanks for reading and keep chasing down your goals!

P.S. Just kidding! Happy April Fool’s Day everyone!